So I'm back. I don’t even know how its possible. This time last week I was in Munich getting drunk with Australians and Irish boys over good organic, German beer...The night after that I was lounging alone in Dublin Ireland regretting my decision. It was about money and security... two things I have never valued and I don’t know why I even considered them. I should have toughed it out. Feeling a bit lonely and sick in Munich was a million times easier than feeling alienated, defensive, lost and miserable here. Its so dead here. Its dramatic here. People are so uninformed, ignorant, detail-obsessed, and they are uncultured trend zombies. And anyone who isnt is extremely elitist (sp?)... Everyone has to smoke pot, have sex (with people who have had sex with so and so, and so and so...creating a big sex linkage chain and spreading the sexual germs, sperm, and stds of all of bangors citizens to all of bangors other citizens) or drink just so that their minds don't explode from under-stimulation. When your traveling, smoking and drinking are purely recreational because there are actual, live, human activities to occupy the majority of your time. ITS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO FEEL DEAD HERE, USELESS, AND INSIGNIFICANT. I miss Oscar. Why the fuck did I feel strong by not saying goodbye to him? Yes, he was a cold, selfish, self-righteous prick who barely cared about me.... BUT, he taught me so much. And as far as my mind goes (I mine as well be selfish since he was)...he was important to my mental growth and newly discovered stability. He taught me a lot about travel, language, intellect, life, and in the least..men. WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST LEAVE WITHOUT A WORD? I got a text from him on friday asking to meet him at a tram stop...and I had to reply saying I couldn’t, I was across the god-damn Atlantic. I also miss Joe and Damon. A LOT. Especially Damon.... that kid was my Irish hero. What would I have done without his offers to let me cry on him in a hammock when he was supposed to be working? Or the long walks and his surprisingly worldly, optimistic advice? Or the beer and the cigarettes I couldn't afford on my own? AND SARAH. Sarah became like a sister to me and then BAM... gone. The last time I saw her she was stumbling around the Düsseldorf airport surprised as fuck that I wasn't getting on that plane with her. What happened to that constant spontaneous European attitude I discovered? What happened to my newly acquired optimism? What happened to making adventure MY LIFE, instead of a wrapped up vacation with a bow on it that you open once every few years?
This is the problem: I spent the summer learning I was over-emotional, learning I felt to much...and correcting it. I figured out how to not get attached, how to move on, how to be independent. So I can say all of these things, but its useless. I'm just wrapping myself in memories I miss but feel guilty and immature for missing. There’s no one to cry to or to make understand because when real life happens... other people can't understand unless they've experienced what you have.
Why would I think after completely removing myself from the drama and useless details of this place that returning would be ok?? I have goals but I can't focus on them when I'm surrounded by my opposites. When I have to scream what I am so I don’t accidentally conform. But at the same time I don't feel like sticking out anymore. THIS IS SO RANDOM!!!!!!!!!
I hate thinking about these things. They are pointless, unproductive and completely useless to the person I will become. I am starting to think of myself as two people... Jennie in Bangor and Jennie in the real world. I really hate the first and I was hoping the second would take her over.
My first weekday in the house alone seemed to go fine until someone dared to enter (mom). I don’t feel right being parented or even bothered. At the tent I could lounge around reading and writing all day without a bother. I could go for a walk whenever I wanted and no one cared where I was... i could smoke and drink as I pleased...and there was always something new to see or a new place to go. I didn’t have to report back. I didn’t have to DRIVE (which I now hate)... AHHHHHHHHHHH.
so I got up early and went for a long run in hopes that this sudden American weight I've put on within a week of being here would vanish. I will be running Monday- Friday this week to prepare for Race for the Cure. Then I showered and sat on the computer downloading song after song and adding movies to net flicks so I could surround myself with as much European culture as possible. Manu Chao. The Chemical Brothers. Films. Music boy's list. etc. I've made 3 mixes already that are constantly blasting throughout my house in order to keep my spirits up.
I feel I will be doing a lot of this anti-social self entertaining stuff. I know I will see Roxanne a lot, but besides that I don’t feel like socializing because the only two people I want to socialize with are off to college, and the others speak different languages and live across that god damn body of water. Anyway I did some job searching. I have an interview at Ruby Tuesdays tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well.
I don’t know what I will do the rest of the night. Perhaps I will call Timmy but I am afraid hanging out with him will make me miss Branden too badly and I will get sad, which will be a more intense sadness due to the activity I am sure we would partake in.
Branden is coming up this weekend. Did I mention we are "back together" yet again? I loved him and missed him too badly. Its funny how we both mature and decided we can commit to each other and that happens to be a week after he has moved out of my house and ran off to Boston. I don’t think its possible for natural, unrehearsed, exclusive relationships to occur or work in America now a days, but there’s no use in not trying... as long as I can still focus on my goals I don't feel burdened like I used to by committing myself to one person. I got a lot out in Europe and I am done with one night stands or random hookups. I am done being used or tricked as well. I love Branden, I really do.. and there is something that pulls us back together even after all we've been through and all the shit we do to each other. If we can stand through all of that... I am sure we are ready for the real world as well. I hope. I can't think of anyone Id rather be with and GOD, it is FUCKING HARD to be so far away from someone you love so much and want to be around constantly. But it does make out moments together that much better. No arguing. Lots of good physical stuff. Appreciation for each other. All of that. I CANT WAIT UNTILL NEXT YEAR WHEN WE TRAVEL TOGETHER. It will be wonderful for sure.
This weekend will be bliss and then I will return to lonely hell.
But I will deal with it, and focus on my goals... which by the way, are..
1. To start working and to pay back the money I used and borrowed this summer.
2. To start saving money for when Branden and I travel next year.
3. To decide or start narrowing down where and when I want to go to school.
4. To learn to play guitar! And take actual lessons!
5. To quit smoking.
6. To start training again for triathlons and road races.
7. To continue learning to skateboard for the hell of it.
8. To attack my reading list.
9. To get as politically involved as I can since I have the time now.
10. To start to learn languages (I wanted to take a class but Im too late to sign up).
11. To devote time to art and improve that whole aspect of my life.
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