the · mind · control · is · deep · here · man

So I'm back. I don’t even know how its possible. This time last week I was in Munich getting drunk with Australians and Irish boys over good organic, German beer...The night after that I was lounging alone in Dublin Ireland regretting my decision. It was about money and security... two things I have never valued and I don’t know why I even considered them. I should have toughed it out. Feeling a bit lonely and sick  in Munich was a million times easier than feeling alienated, defensive, lost and miserable here. Its so dead here. Its  dramatic here. People are so uninformed, ignorant, detail-obsessed, and they are uncultured trend zombies. And anyone who isnt is extremely elitist (sp?)... Everyone has to smoke pot, have sex (with people who have had sex with so and so, and so and so...creating a big sex linkage chain and spreading the sexual germs, sperm, and stds of all of bangors citizens to all of bangors other citizens) or drink just so that their minds don't explode from under-stimulation. When your traveling, smoking and drinking are purely recreational because there are actual, live, human activities to occupy the majority of your time. ITS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO FEEL DEAD HERE, USELESS, AND INSIGNIFICANT. I miss Oscar. Why the fuck did I feel strong by not saying goodbye to him? Yes, he was a cold, selfish, self-righteous prick who barely cared about me.... BUT, he taught me so much. And as far as my mind goes (I mine as well be selfish since he was)...he was important to my mental growth and newly discovered stability. He taught me a lot about travel, language, intellect, life, and in the least..men. WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST LEAVE WITHOUT A WORD? I got a text from him on friday asking to meet him at a tram stop...and I had to reply saying I couldn’t, I was across the god-damn Atlantic. I also miss Joe and Damon. A LOT. Especially Damon.... that kid was my Irish hero. What would I have done without his offers to let me cry on him in a hammock when he was supposed to be working? Or the long walks and his surprisingly worldly, optimistic advice? Or the beer and the cigarettes I couldn't afford on my own? AND SARAH. Sarah became like a sister to me and then BAM... gone. The last time I saw her she was stumbling around the Düsseldorf airport surprised as fuck that I wasn't getting on that plane with her. What happened to that constant spontaneous European attitude I discovered? What happened to my newly acquired optimism? What happened to making adventure MY LIFE, instead of a wrapped up vacation with a bow on it that you open once every few years?
This is  the problem: I spent the summer learning I was over-emotional, learning I felt to much...and correcting it. I figured out how to not get attached, how to move on, how to be independent. So I can say all of these things, but its useless. I'm just wrapping myself in memories I miss but feel guilty and immature for missing. There’s no one to cry to or to make understand because when real life happens... other people can't understand unless they've experienced what you have.
Why would I think after completely removing myself from the drama and useless details of this place that returning would be ok?? I have goals but I can't focus on them when I'm surrounded by my opposites. When I have to scream what I am so I don’t accidentally conform. But at the same time I don't feel like sticking out anymore. THIS IS SO RANDOM!!!!!!!!!
I hate thinking about these things. They are pointless, unproductive and completely useless to the person I will become. I am starting to think of myself as two people... Jennie in Bangor and Jennie in the real world. I really hate the first and I was hoping the second would take her over.

My first weekday in the house alone seemed to go fine until someone dared to enter (mom). I don’t feel right being parented or even bothered. At the tent I could lounge around reading and writing all day without a bother. I could go for a walk whenever I wanted and no one cared where I was... i could smoke and drink as I pleased...and there was always something new to see or a new place to go. I didn’t have to report back. I didn’t have to DRIVE (which I now hate)... AHHHHHHHHHHH.
so I got up early and went for a long run in hopes that this sudden American weight I've put on within a week of being here would vanish. I will be running Monday- Friday this week to prepare for Race for the Cure. Then I showered and sat on the computer downloading song after song and adding movies to net flicks so I could surround myself with as much European culture as possible. Manu Chao. The Chemical Brothers. Films. Music boy's list. etc. I've made 3 mixes already that are constantly blasting throughout my house in order to keep my spirits up.
I feel I will be doing a lot of this anti-social self entertaining stuff. I know I will see Roxanne a lot, but besides that I don’t feel like socializing because the only two people I want to socialize with are off to college, and the others speak different languages and live across that god damn body of water. Anyway I did some job searching. I have an interview at Ruby Tuesdays tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well.
I don’t know what I will do the rest of the night. Perhaps I will call Timmy but I am afraid hanging out with him will make me miss Branden too badly and I will get sad, which will be a more intense sadness due to the activity I am sure we would partake in.
Branden is coming up this weekend. Did I mention we are "back together" yet again? I loved him and missed him too badly. Its funny how we both mature and decided we can commit to each other and that happens to be a week after he has moved out of my house and ran off to Boston. I don’t think its possible for natural, unrehearsed, exclusive relationships to occur or work in America now a days, but there’s no use in not trying... as long as I can still focus on my goals I don't feel burdened like I used to by committing myself to one person. I got a lot out in Europe and I am done with one night stands or random hookups. I am done being used or tricked as well. I love Branden, I really do.. and there is something that pulls us back together even after all we've been through and all the shit we do to each other. If we can stand through all of that... I am sure we are ready for the real world as well. I hope. I can't think of anyone Id rather be with and GOD, it is FUCKING HARD to be so far away from someone you love so much and want to be around constantly. But it does make out moments together that much better. No arguing. Lots of good physical stuff. Appreciation for each other. All of that. I CANT WAIT UNTILL NEXT YEAR WHEN WE TRAVEL TOGETHER. It will be wonderful for sure.
This weekend will be bliss and then I will return to lonely hell.
But I will deal with it, and focus on my goals... which by the way, are..

1. To start working and to pay back the money I used and borrowed this summer.
2. To start saving money for when Branden and I travel next year.
3. To decide or start narrowing down where and when I want to go to school.
4. To learn to play guitar! And take actual lessons!
5. To quit smoking.
6. To start training again for triathlons and road races.
7. To continue learning to skateboard for the hell of it.
8. To attack my reading list.
9.  To get as politically involved as I can since I have the time now.
10. To start to learn languages (I wanted to take a class but Im too late to sign up).
11. To devote time to art and improve that whole aspect of my life.

livejournal is in german here so it was hard to figure out how to update. its raining out right now in munich so there is not much to do but go online. like anywhere else i suppose. the keyboards are strange here so bare with me.  so far we have been to: London, england... strasbourg & paris france, switzerland (basel), various parts of germany.... (an amusement park by the french border), frankfurt and now munich. i guess we are staying in vienna untill jason comes and we can go to italy. we still need to hear from luis about portugal!!!!   our trip so far has basically been a tour of the coffee, cigarettes, modern art, parks, weed, beer and food in each country.... with a little bit of boy in there. yeah... i dont even know what to say about that. i have been switching back and fourth the last 3 weeks between a shallow, superficial, obsessive, fun-crazed letsss parttyy mindset.......and a completely relaxed, zen, observer world traveler mindset. i know....wayyy too many adjectives in that sentance, but its just hard to explain. so much of this trip is unreal and amazing... but a lot of it is also disapointing.... (like realizing people are a lot of the same, everywhere)  but they are also different and I guess you just cant have expectations. to backpack... you have to be prepared for either extreme disapointment or astonishment every day. you have to be ok with being inbetween and you have to accept the ups and downs of each place.
now for th more surface stuff.... i fell hard for a boy in london who i almost watched get mugged.... and then hid behind a car scared for our lives with... but nothing happened. then there as france... honestly, i thought there would be no time in any place to meet people worth meeting, but sarah and i met some pretty fucking cool people in france. sarah met this boy named michael who was half austrian half french, and a politics & history major.... and i fell for this crazyyyyyy musician & law student??? law... i know what the fuck. he could barely speak english but he spoke fluent french and german!  but it was crazyyy and really intense and hard to leave him. i guess thats how summer love works. it taught me a lesson about men in general though, ill describe that later. 
anyway none of that is important because sarah and I are fine on our own... at times we wish we had more friends with us.. but its great to split a spliff and write in european parks all day with my little chill sarah. OH AND THE BOOK I AM FINISHING UP WASSSS AMAZING... dharma bums... read it now and be prepared to crave meditation for weeks afterward.

So my birthday consisted of: smoking around a fire the night before. A visit from Roxanne. Getting a couple piercings. The beach/swimming/kayaking with Branden. Buying 18-ish things. Vegan Cake. Thai Siam. Portland...amazing hookah bar (although they wouldnt let Sarah in)...and Tim cutting off a cop and scaring the shit out of me.

Saturday I got my silly tattoo. I want another. It didnt hurt much. It will need some touch-ups since its on my finger. 

Sunday sucked. Branden and his friends are getting click-ish. Its weird. He doesn't exactly care about spending time with me before I leave. All he does is argue with me anyway.

Monday I trained like fuck (did an hour long cycling class and RAN after. and walked 3 miles as soon as I woke up that morning)... only to find out the triathalon this weekend is full. Branden didn't seem to care... but I've been working hard, and training for these last few months. I'm not good with failure and not reaching my goals. Now I will have to completely re-train after Europe which will be difficult. My mom's comfort was... "at least you lost some weight by working out so much".... ahh thanks mom, reaching goals doesnt matter as long as I'm a little thinner???
fuck it. everything seems to go wrong.

anyway.... tonight Sarah and I walked around with out backpacks to practice. It wasn't so bad I'm not too worried about it now. I'm mostly just worried about money at this point. I also had chai which made life better-on Sarah.

I can't wait for Europe. I can't wait for Denver/ Americorps. I hope I can live with Jilly in between because I probably will never get an opportunity to be around her/live with my older sis again.

The following need to hang out with me before July 2nd:

1. Roxanne
2. Katie & Luis
3. Dave
4. Avery
5. more Mike
6. Ashleigh etc.
7.a little tiny bit more Branden
8. Jayne
9. Sheena/ Isabella

everyone dont forget about monday the 25th!!!!!!!!! thats when sarah and I are having the amazing going away party!!!!!!!!!!!! MONDAY NIGHT BITCHES.

After much thinking, and dueling pessimism/ optimism... I have decided that although high school was torture, (right up to Mr. Nickerson calling me Jayne).... there were a few good things about life the last four years. Granted, it was mainly the people and life outside of school. but still...

it was also....

late nights. caffeine pills. conan o'brien. wheat thins. weed. soy lattes. guitars. bonfires. blunts. cigarettes. sleeping till two in the afternoon. nervous first dates.  good books. movie nights. the bus crew. paint. jack johnson. sushi. late night phone calls. firsts. apples for lunch. Isabellas. figure studies. goodnight kisses. regina. ani. rilo kiley. neutral milk hotel. the pixies.clapton. pearljam. pink floyd. sublime. dylan. marely. that 70's show. swimming. driving standards. chinese firedrills. wine. joints. swishers. fireworks. star-gazing. long walks. running. protests. millions of journals. sex. hookas. honduras. trips to providence. portland. meca. tea. family christmas's. notes. english class discussions. art madness. political campaigns. skinny dipping. kayaking. skipping school. squeezing four people in katie's bed. smoking under the covers. dance parties in roxanne's room. pants-less dave. loft orgies. carriage house fiestas. kelly's camp. stomach-butterflies. philosophy. buttons. questions. fear. existential breakdowns. mooning. screaming. f-lists. dennys. kykey dykies. photo. dinosaur noises. pasta parties. guacamole. the titianic. huckabees. thoreau. ms. oreilly. muffins. ms. manhart. railroad tracks. folk festivals. washington dc. talks with mom. bubble fights. peanut fights. egg fights. grass fights. ice fights. dried roses. led zeppelin. the doors. the velvet underground. the who. counting crows. bad haircuts. bike rides. borders. airports. poems. making t-shirts. hitting on mr. wingard. field hockey.  assists. goals. talent show. nurseries. grandmothers.  magritte. kandinsky. escape plans. italian dinners. cuddle-fests. quantum physics. strangers. crutches. cologne. road trips. natural living center. big sunglasses. europe-planning.  etc etc etc

I can't believe even branden was too busy for me today.
I can't wrap my mind around anything this week and I'm falling apart.

maybe being stoned will help.

the bullshit level is on the rise. it only makes it easier to get out of here.
i feel so happy. im content with my few good friends. I'm also content with the fact that everyone, EVERYONE, every last asshole in bangor high is going to be hit with reality very soon. Once they get to college they will realize they do not infact own the world, and they are indeed nothing but nothings..... just like the rest of us. 

It is odd to know I am "that CRAZY  (add in: slutty, weird, bitch?, hippy...etc)  who said she was a lesbian senior year and then they mentioned it in the senior baquet).
My sexual orientation is confusing, i'll admit.
damnit that took me by surprise.



anyway. this year is ending with a lot of training,biking, ( today I kayaked and slept in a hamick and paddle-boated to random lake-islands), street basketball, lots of books, boys, wine, blunts, sitting on sarah's roof, star-gazing, coffee, long walks, and lots of family.



how else would I want it to end?????

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if you care at all about the direction of our generation check out that petition.

There's blood in my mouth
Cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talking trash
But I never say anything
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone
If I'm with or without you
But just being around you
Offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you
And I call you and say "come here!"

And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news, baby, it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse like me, like you

Cause we'll all be portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty
And she's real into you
And then she's sleeping inside of you
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news, I don't blame you
I do the same thing, I get lonely too

And you're bad news, my friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, I don't care I like you
And you're bad news, I don't care I like you
I like you

I mean, work sucked... but... after work I went and got coffee with Katie and I don't know, talking to her and just finally understanding what was going through both our heads made me feel so much better. and then I went to babysit, Sheena just picked up Isabella now actually. Isabella was in the cutest mood. she was just dancing around the house to rilo kiley with me and singing her jibberish lyrics. Somehow I even had the energy to clean my entire room? I mean, really fucking clean it. I wrote in my journal quite a bit too. I just feel calm and refreshed. I'm so excited for all of the opportunity that is RIGHT in frount of me right now. Life is actually happening and its entirely up to me to make it wonderful or not.
I want to enjoy the last of my time here, I really do, and I want to be around the people I've cared about the past few years. I feel so attached to Branden right now. Its going to be so hard to leave him. he is my only constant in my life (besides my direct family)...everone else fades in and out but he is always there.

sfbhjsbgfhsbghsdgbhsbghfg hdsfbg
ok now for some random immature-ness. I WISH I WASNT SUCH A DUMB ASS GIRL. I wish I hadnt suddenly started having feelings for someone who was just a fling, because had I just been mature about it... and not so fucking weird...the situation would not feel so fucking strange ... and plus, I really did just need someone to get out my sexual frustration on :-/... this is why college and americorps will be incredible.

good night :)